Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
