i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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