Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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