oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
