I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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