I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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