Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
