I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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