It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Every concussion has its silver lining
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
