Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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