You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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