Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
