I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
