Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
