Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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