My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
