Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
