worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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