Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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