can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
