he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
