God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
