I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
