omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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