That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
