My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
did you just send me my own nude
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize