Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
