she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How does one acquire holy water?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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