I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
