I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
