I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
