she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
