proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
