I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
