you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
