Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
we're so committed to being not committed
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize