i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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