Just fell off a train. Bad.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
