i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
