he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize