Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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