apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize