Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I have aggressive nipples.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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