It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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