"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
