Who wears a wallet chain?!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
