When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
bring money and cleavage
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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