Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
