I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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