i barfeds in our rink
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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