Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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