I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this will be a night to untag.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
