dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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