I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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