how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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