All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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