life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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