my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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