The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
