we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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