my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
