when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
