i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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