Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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