Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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